back again
life is a winding path and circle all at once
I’m having a shitty day. I’ve cried twice, screamed into a pillow, shouted so many expletives at cars that I lost count, and I only finished half my workout because I. Just. Couldn’t.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt this low, even longer since the feeling has been so deep in my bones that I’ve simply woken up with this crushing feeling that nothing is right and everything looks gray. That’s how I woke up today.
To feel better, I squeezed Sunnie since it’s impossible to be angry with her near, and leaned into that feeling. She had a quick vet appointment so I was forced to pick myself up, put on real pants, and focus on something other than myself. Now I’m home and already feeling a bit better. Coffee helped too…
That’s the big lesson I keep coming back to, stop focusing on myself and focus on what’s in front of me. A friend recently shared this and it’s been stuck with me:
My mood is not my master.
While I fully believe it’s not only okay but absolutely necessary to allow ourselves to feel all the feelings, I also believe we won’t get anywhere by wallowing in them…but sometimes the wallow is necessary to see the bright side and that means some dark days.
Here’s the thing though, I’ve survived every single one of the days (and weeks, months, years?) and come out stronger and brighter every time. So today I’m leaning into the feeling while focusing on what I can control. As I write this I’m feeling better and don’t even want to be melancholy anymore so I guess it’s working!
This is the tangle I continuously get myself stuck in, and every time I do, the stronger version of myself is ready to tease me out. It’s the same lesson, but a different me.
By leaning into the moments that don’t feel easy instead of punishing ourselves for not being able to make them that way, we can float through life instead of fighting.